I just had a rough night with one of my kids. One of those nights where they totally messed up and you're the one that has to hand out the consequence and it's rough. Just rough. After the punishment and tears and I'm sorry. I sat in bed thinking about how much I have invested in my kids. I have dedicated the last 13+ years to raising my kids. I don't have a fancy house or car. I don't have a career I can be proud of. Heck. I don't even have a job. Nothing that's just mine. And it's on purpose. I want to be able to give them all I can. Spend as much time with them, helping them or cheering for them or serving them as possible.
So after a huge explosion of a night, all I can do is sit here and think about how much of myself I have given to my kids. And in turn how much it hurts when they mess up. Not because I don't think they'll mess up or because that somehow reflects on me. But because I hope for so much more for them. For them to do better, to somehow be better than I am or ever was. And when all that comes crashing down with bad choices. It makes my heart ache. And then I think about how much more God loves me. And how much more of himself he gave to me. And how he knew I would crush him with my sin. And that I would break his heart. Sometimes daily. He knew! And he still chose to do it all. He knew before Adam and Eve walked the earth but he created us anyway. And he has such amazing plans for me. Plans for me to be better and do better than I ever thought I could. But my bad choices can send those plans crashing down too. And sometimes they do. But God loves me in spite of all that. This ache in my heart tonight reminds me that he knew and still chose to love me. What an amazing love that is!
Father, help me to know your love better. To grasp the depth and lengths that you go to so that I understand it. I want to be overflowing with your love so that I can share that love with others. Especially my children when they need me to give them grace just like I need from you every day. Amen.
